Setting Boundaries

We do our children no favours if we fail to set and keep to a clear set of boundaries. If we accept that our primary purpose in bringing up children is to develop rational, logical, individuals with the ability to analyse complex issues and situations and make both moral and practical decisions based on that analysis, then it is vital that we nurture them in an environment where they are taught about the things that we as parents believe are important.   

1.     Review your values and priorities, and adjust boundaries to take into account changing circumstances

2.      Boundaries should be pre-considered, well thought out and reasonable

3.      As children get older, boundaries increasingly need to be negotiated so that children can appreciate the logic and importance of them

4.      Really listen to their input, and make sure that you understand the issues involved from their perspective.

    5.      Make sure that both parents (and preferably other responsible adults) are singing from      the same hymn sheet          

    6.      It is important that “consequences” are agreed at the same time as boundaries.

     7.  Only   discuss the setting of boundaries in a calm, non-confrontational atmosphere, when you both have sufficient time.

     8.      Once a boundary is set, and consequences are agreed, stick to your guns.

Setting Routines       

 There are many good reasons for having clearly defined routines for most aspects of the household day. Routines make children feel more secure because they know what is expected of them, enable the whole family to participate in the everyday life of the household, and make life easier and less stressful for everybody. A routine is a sequence of events that occur regularly, so that there is an expectation by all parties of what the next step will be. This will only be established by commitment, clarity and consistency. If you are too tired, too busy, or don’t leave enough time to ensure that the routine is consistent, you are storing up problems for the future, because the child is getting mixed messages and will keep trying to move the goalposts.

Areas in which routines are useful include bedtime and getting up, mealtimes, homework, Self-care, hygiene and getting dressed, computers and television, playing time, tidying up and helping around the home.

Ten Top Tips

1. When you have established routines that work for you and your family STICK TO THEM.
2. Develop your non-negotiable voice. State how things are going to be clearly, calmly, and with confidence
3. Make sure that the routine and the reason for having it is absolutely clear to everyone
4. Routines need to be age-appropriate. Be prepared to negotiate changes as they get older (e.g. Later bedtime. Give reason for the change. i.e. “You have more homework now, so we need to make sure that you still have enough time for yourself in the evenings”).
5. Make the practical aspects of sticking to a routine as convenient as possible. (e.g. If you want your small child to hang his coat up every day when he comes in from school, make sure that the peg is at the right height, close to the door, empty except when he uses it, and prominently marked with his name.   
6.  Reward and praise child when they get things right.
7. Use visual aids, family organisers, sticker charts, post-it reminders, time lines, message boards (whatever you find works for you.)
8. Routines need to be seen to be fair, reasonable and agreed. This means identifying the need for a routine, discussing it, agreeing it, and using it until it is firmly established
9. Once things are agreed, insist on consistent support from your partner.
10. Review your routines regularly, particularly the ones that are not working. If they aren’t, why not?
11. Don’t nag, but stick with it. The alternative is anarchy!