Advice for separated parents

Separation Anxiety

1. When the family unit breaks down, children need consistency and stability more than ever. It is really important that you and your ex agree to apply family rules in both houses with equal sanctions for misdeeds, even if you both feel angry and hurt over the separation. This will result in less confusion and manipulation. If face to face discussion is difficult, writing letters focussing solely on the benefits to all involved in co-operating in this may be an alternative.

2. Be honest (but age appropriate) with your children. Try to be positive. i.e. "Sometimes relationships don't work, and it's sad, but we'll all feel better again if we try to be kind to each other" rather than "Your father's a complete bastard who's been having an affair with his secretary."

3. 2-5 yr olds find separation very difficult to understand. They might fall back developmentally for a while, have problems with potty training, or use baby language. Tantrums, tears, attention seeking and "clingy" behaviour are common.

4. 6-8 year olds have some understanding about what separation or divorce means. They may grieve deeply over family breakdown, pining for the parent that has left.

5. 9-12 yr olds are better able to understand what is happening. Many feel ashamed, resentful or angry towards one or both parents. As one eleven yr old said "I don't feel caught in the middle, I hate them both equally." At this age, emotions are often complex, and need a lot of patience and understanding.

Survival strategies

1. Give your children lots of time, and really listen to what they have to say.
2. Make sure they know that it is not their fault. They need to understand that you are separatinfg from each other, not from them.
3. Take steps to re-inforce the parts of their support network that are strong. They need to know that even if they feel that they have been let down, there are still lots of people who love them.
4. Speak to the school. If teachers know what is going on, they are more likely to be empathic rather than punitive if there are problems with behaviour or school work.
5. Try not to overcompensate. Presents are no substitute for love and care, and in the long run, kids are bright enough to realise this.
6. Whatever they've done to you, try not to criticise your ex in front of the children. There is nothing worse for a child than being caught in the crossfire between warring parents, and they simply don't have the emotional security to cope with it.
7. Children are resilient. Divorce marks the end of a relationship, but it is also an opportunity for a new start. The absence of the arguments and tension that may have gone before, may come as a relief.
8. Children will take their lead from you. If you are positive, cheerful and forward-looking, rather than sad, angry and retrospective, they will be inclined to follow your lead.
9. Try not to be too hurt by what children say. Moods change quickly.